Quitting is Fundamental
06.04.10
It was bound to happen sooner or later. We work out at the same gym, that’s how we met and how I got offered the job. It was only because I was executing some brutal exercises that we even started to converse, but now he can barely look at me without fire darting beneath the surface of his gaze. I know the rage pent up inside, exploding in his shoulder presses with frenetic outbursts, wasn’t solely focused on me. Apparently, others have scattered from his pipe dream of instant cash and left him empty-handed.
I hate it. I would love to be someone else for him simply because I see the dreamer in him, the same one in myself that yearns to be an entrepreneur. I know all to well the frustration of having to rely on others for that dream to manifest, how it can crumble before you like dust, not because of any lack in the merit of the dream, but simply because others fail to execute it as you foresee. I wish I had it in me to champion his cause. But I cannot shake the feeling that it’s a sinking ship.
He had harsh words to share with me today. I hated every one of them, stinging like the tentacles of a jellyfish, drawn out across my conscience. But I too had been abandoned in my enterprise. Instead of forcing what appeared to be a dead-end, I threw in the towel so I could focus on other means to work up a sweat. He saw it otherwise, calling me a quitter, not only in this occupation but in my goals as a sober sex addict. I know his words were meant to hurt.
I’d do most anything to win him back over. He’s that charismatic, yet not quite to the degree to demand complete loyalty. He will be some day, just not quite yet. He’s still a little green when it comes to that graceful art of manipulating indebtedness from others. Or it could be quite the contrary, that I’m too certain in the decisions I’ve made. Regardless, it became evident that he was committed to his opinion of me. Judgment had been passed and there was no chance of reconciliation. Once again, I saw the roadblock before me.
Even though he labeled me as a quitter, with all of its connotations of being worthless and a total loser, I have a sense of certainty that such a label is ridiculous. It’s a form of judgment that demonstrates the stubborn and closed-minded perspective so common in humanity. We tend to believe we know it all, that we must choose a path and stick to it, that anyone who shifts over time is inconsistent at best. What ever happened to being responsive to what is around you?
Our adaptive ability is the one trait that elevated us beyond the ape. However, it seems to have been reduced to a marginal aspect of the human condition. We’ve become creatures of habit, purpose, logic and regimented beyond our genetic code. Few of us actually live a responsive lifestyle anymore as we’ve been able to subject most every component of nature to our will. We are the deity that demands reality to be a certain way. It is through this very decree though that we confine ourselves, relegating us to a life less joyous than it could be.
I know when it’s time to stop and reexamine my course. I listen to the subtle cues of this life so that I can follow its lead. I am like a river, following the path of least resistance, not simply because it’s easy, but because it’s natural. Why is a harmonious life contradictory to a dignified social existence? It seems to my former boss that it is. I’ve been affixed with a degrading assignment that will forever elevate him above me and out of my reach.
As I’ve mentioned in other posts, I don’t believe in failure, but only in redirection. I don’t believe in regret, but only transformation. Yes, it’s been an unpleasant experience for us all lately, but why not make the most of it. I know it’s spurred me to learn and grow and challenge myself in ways I never would have had I not experienced this recent upset. That’s why I can even assert that I am grateful for it. So label me a quitter. I don’t mind. It’s fundamental to developing into someone greater than I was just a few days ago.