Full Circle
06.10.10
He was the first to tempt me. I was able to resist, but barely so. We’ve had a random run-in repetition sequence running ever since we met over two years ago. For some reason or another, he is someone that consistently drives me wild. There’s a certain chemistry that cannot be denied. Now that I’m back in the game, I had no option but to answer his call.
I ran into him like most every time, from a distance, a crackle of recognition as we draw nigh. Surely my heartbeat races a bit at the sight of his bulky frame. Surely a bead of sweat bubbles upon my neck as I watch his cool swagger approach me. Surely an instantaneous smirk flashes across my face as I draw close to those luscious lips. As always, I was off to meet another friend. Within the few minutes we did exchange words, his were full of heartache and family woes.
My heart sank as I embraced him, a genuine desire to ease his pain and bring some sort of comfort to him. The embrace lasted a bit longer though and I began to noticeably swell in response. Both responses came without thought, automatic and immediate. It must have been a bit odd, the mixture of sweet and sultry within seconds of each other. He seemed to accept and embrace them both though in some sort of appreciation.
There was an awkward pause. Interest in seeing each other was exchanged. We parted. He was high. I with a sigh. I hate to hear bad news about those I care about. It was obvious that I do care about him, though our relations are by no means on a firm foundation. It’s random and seems to work out that way.
As I was headed home from an evening workout at the IMA, the UW gym slam-packed full of college boy hotties, I received a text from him. He was at home and looking for some company. I knew there might be some sexual context, but I couldn’t bring myself to share over text my current state of urethritis. I also knew what news he had shared earlier and wanted to be by his side regardless.
Within 15 minutes, I was standing before him, smiling and embracing him, giving him a salutatory peck on the lips. Within 30 minutes, we were engaging in much more passionate embraces. Maybe that’s the secret to the ever-present attraction, the passion. It’s always there, powerful, intense and forceful. How could I resist?
However, when I revealed my sticky circumstance, he seemed a bit put off. I could understand though, especially after our last engagement, after which I left him high and dry. We discussed what could be possible without broaching the boundaries of ill effect and settled on mutual masturbation. It was incredibly satisfying.
I don’t know if it had to do with the intimate information we’d shared earlier in the day or with the embraces or the general spirit of it all, but it was physically intimate in a very special way. I’ve known him long enough with enough history that it was more than just a circle jerk for two. It was much more.
The orgasmic convulsions were present to back it up through a physical manifestation, as well as the over-the-shoulder shot. We continued to hang out in ascending states of nudity as it came to go our separate ways. When I walked home, there wasn’t the slightest hint of shame or regret, but a smile of complete joy.
I’ve been noticing a drastic difference in the last three encounters I’ve had since I quit the commitments. First off, the assertion of desire. In each situation, my partners longed for more sexual activity to occur than I initially desired. Granted, by the time I was in full swing, I too was wishing that we were doing more, but yet my mind had been firm on holding my ground.
Without realizing it, I’m still reserving anal sex for a more intimate exchange. I haven’t given that to anyone, either way, since I began the year. I’m in no rush to do so and I think there’s still a part of me reserving it for someone who earns it. How? I don’t know, but I’m holding out on that act for a while.
Second, I have been extremely more passionate and orgasmic. In the past, I’ve been able to engage sexually without the need for partial release during the act. However, ever since I’ve been back to the plate, I cannot keep myself from orgasm without ejaculation. I need it. It seems to be tied to each experience, demonstrating a fullness of connection I have longed to attain.
Finally, when I finish, it’s been more explosive and voluminous than ever before. What’s stunning beyond the actual output is the consistency of its occurrence. I’ve yet to have each and every time be of such intensity. Partly, I attribute it to the heightened experience of physical intimacy I am successfully securing. By seeking to explore another without a frenzy of sexual deviancy, I’m being rewarded by a depth I hadn’t known before.
All in all, it means that I do not regret any of the sexual encounters that I’ve had since I ended the sobriety. For me, that’s a huge victory as a sex addict. It’s when you regret having sex that you’re treading on thin ice and spiraling out of control. These experiences have been tremendous in every way.
However, it’s essential to note that each one has not been sought by me. Each one was initiated by my sexual partner. Apparently, I need not worry because the sex will find me, especially when anyone could be a sexual companion. For once, I’m feeling a certain sense of peace about sex and it’s availability to me. I don’t feel the need to be a predator on the prowl.
It seems the revolutionary changes I’ve sought have solidified into a reality I never expected. Now, it’s just a matter of whether I can stay grounded in what I know and what I want. I am certain I can maintain such a state if I choose it. The serenity of such an evolution is beyond compare. Though others may believe I have failed, I consider this year a tremendous success well before it’s over.