She Bangs
06.18.10
I kind of feel a little bit like Ricky Martin, except when I say, “She bangs!” I mean it in a totally different manner. Actually, all joking aside, I’ve met a woman who rattles the cage of my heart with such force that it leaves me speechless. It’s a good thing though completely unexpected and thrilling in a way I never imagined possible.
For those of you who didn’t know it, she’s the woman I met while donning just a pair of sneakers and bikini briefs. Of course, it was an underwear party so it was completely appropriate. I had no idea that approaching her would lead to a lunch date, though it almost unraveled before it even began.
Running a bit late and my nerves on edge, I texted to relay that I was on my way. I wasn’t sure what kind of response I’d get and especially didn’t expect the following:
On my way to meet you
Who’s this?
Captain Underpants – It was an appropriate inside joke considering our email banter.
Wrong number.
I couldn’t believe it. I knew it was the number she had given me. Was it her way of showing how ridiculous I was to believe a woman would want to spend time with me? Could she be so cruel? My heart immediately sank, low, deep into the recesses of despair. With the recent upsets I’d already faced, I wanted to cut and run. But what if I was wrong and she was waiting for me?
I sucked it up and swallowed my pride, facing the possibility that I’d enter a restaurant devoid of the woman I sought and have to retreat to a world of hurt. When I opened the door, there she was, innocently perched on a stool. Unfortunately, being late meant she went ahead and ordered. I hated to start off on such a bad foot but was overwhelmed with relief in seeing her.
As I sat down across from her, I must have been beaming my classic smile. She’s so gorgeous. She showed up. I was in shock. I could barely believe I went up to her in the first place, with no alcoholic courage or pants on for that matter, remember the underwear party and the resultant nickname. She’s the first woman I’ve ever had the courage to approach in public leading to a successful meeting. Did I mention how beautiful she is?
There’s something about her that makes her presence pop for me. I think it lies in her eyes. They’re intense, open, gateways to what could be a beautiful soul. She’s definitely encountered her fair share of turmoil and it’s created a depth that is reflected in her gaze. It’s truly intoxicating. I’d never met someone who’s single glance could impact me like hers does.
It’s a powerful expression. Her eyes narrow a bit, gather a misty curtain that doesn’t hide, but rather draws back to reveal a certain appreciation and embrace. It’s like a soul kiss. I can imagine how it’d make me melt if yielded in a moment of actual passion. Like I said, I’d never encountered such a gaze from anyone.
It seemed to start when we first met, our ocular embraces, but as it occurred across from each other, sharing intimate details of ourselves, I was stunned. I literally lost my train of thought, derailed by something greater, nervous and yet thrilled, blushing and yet emboldened, eager to progress forward and yet cautiously aware of her power to impact my heart.
I had to apologize, which made me blush even more. I had to figure out what it meant, as I’d been wrong in reading some of her cues before. I confessed that it felt as if she looked upon me with a certain understanding. She agreed. For someone who’s felt utterly alone for most of his life, vastly misunderstood and forced into boxes in which he doesn’t belong, it was incredibly disarming and cathartic.
It’s as if she sliced right into the core of my most vulnerable insecurity, gently grasped it with both hands, and caressed it, saying that who I am is worthy of being cherished. I’ve never had such a sensation in my life. I never dreamed it would come from a woman. I never expected it could be felt after only a few hours of conversation. Then again, I don’t hide much and with her open attitude, I revealed by inmost thoughts. I shared my true identity with her and for once it seemed like someone finally understood me.
It makes sense. She’s an omnisexual as well and yet nowhere near a sex addict. Before her last relationship with a man of thirteen years, she’d been with a woman for five years. She seemed to have a comfort concerning the fluidity of sexual interest whereas I am new to it all. She couldn’t have been a better compliment or a better first encounter with the feminine side of humanity. She confirmed everything I knew to be true in my heart. I’m going in the right direction by opening myself to women.
However, I’m so desperately insecure. I just don’t have the gall to act like I know what I’m doing. I have no clue. I need to be led by a gentle hand. I need to be assured that my desires are within a context that is agreeable and mutually beneficial. I need to take it slow. I want to relish every moment, every gaze that sets my heart to fluttering and my skin to rushing red. It’s all so new, vibrant and exciting. I couldn’t be luckier to have found this woman.
I already know that she’s beautiful, understanding and loyal. Who knows what more time shall reveal. I don’t know if there’s anything more to our initial attraction. I don’t have any clue as to why she agreed to meet me. I have the suspicion that she’s eager for a change in her life and I present a unique avenue to explore life through a different set of eyes. I don’t know if it’s romantic or sexual in any sense. I don’t know if I am ready to know it either.
When I realized that this woman is special, beyond compare with any other woman I’ve met through her ability to disarm me, I knew I had to focus on what matters most. I’m not looking for a quick fuck with a girl to see if I like it. It just doesn’t seem right. I’m looking to have that first occasion of sexual intimacy with a woman mean something real, deep and intense. I want it to be loving, emotional, spiritually charged and downright sexy. It will take an investment from whoever that woman might be.
All I know is that I’m encouraged in the path I’m allowing myself to wander down. For her role in it so far, I’m incredibly appreciative. I have no idea how much further down the path she might join me. I want her to be a part of this journey, first and foremost as a friend. I’m open to more, but only time will tell if that’s in the cards for us. I wish I didn’t have to leave for three months, as so much can change for us both, but I eagerly look forward to seeing her when I return.